Is monogamie realistic in gay relationships?

For many gay men, the question“Do you want an open or monogamous relationship?”comes up very early on.

Yet many gay men have never really asked themselves the more important question:
“How would an open relationship actually work for me — and am I even ready for that?”

This article explores why monogamy feels complicated for many gay men. Not to argue for or against any relationship structure, but to understand what is really underneath this question.

Why many gay men believe monogamy doesn’t work

Many men decide that an open relationship must be better than monogamy, not out of conviction, but out of disappointment. Maybe an ex cheated. Maybe they cheated themselves. Or they concluded that monogamy simply isn’t realistic.

Common beliefs about gay men are:

• “All gay men want as much sex as possible.”

• “Men can’t be trusted anyway.”

Dating and hook-up apps, and the culture around them, reinforce this idea. The constant availability of new men can make exclusivity feel outdated, unrealistic, or even undesirable. As a result, an open relationship is sometimes chosen not because it truly fits, but because it seems to be the norm and because it seems easier.

What is monogamy?

Monogamy is usually defined as a relationship in which two people commit to exclusive romantic and/or sexual intimacy with each other. They agree to remain sexually closed and not pursue sexual or romantic connections with others. In many cultures, monogamy is seen as the default, especially in heterosexual relationships.

Within the gay community, however, monogamy often triggers resistance. Many gay men say it doesn’t work for them because it feels like a heteronormative model that doesn’t align with their experience of freedom, sexuality, or identity.

In practice, monogamy means very different things to different gay men. For some, it is:

• emotional and sexual exclusivity

• sexual exclusivity, with room for fantasy and flirting

• monogamy as a starting point, but not necessarily an endpoint

This is where the real issue lies. It is rarely about the relationship structure itself. Problems arise when partners don’t feel safe or comfortable expressing their desires, needs, or doubts.

When circumstances change due to age, stress, health, or sexual preferences, honest communication becomes essential.

It’s not monogamy that fails, but the absence of conversations about shifting boundaries.

Why monogamy often feels challenging in gay relationships

The tension around monogamy in the gay community happens because there is a clash between personal values, gay culture, history and the believe monogamy is heteronormative.

1. A lack of relationship role models

Historically, many gay men had few visible examples of long-term, healthy relationships. Sex often happened in secret, fleeting and hidden, outside of marriage and social acceptance. As a result, sex became disconnected from safety, commitment, and emotional bonding.

2. Sex as validation

In gay culture, attention is often direct, visible, and sexual. Sex can become a way to feel seen, desired, or valued. In a monogamous relationship, much of that external validation disappears.

For many men, this form of validation is more important than they realise. Its absence can trigger doubt or a sense of loss. What’s often overlooked is that validation doesn’t disappear in monogamy — it changes form.

It comes primarily from the partner, through attention, words, time together, and care, as described inThe Five Love Languages.

3. Apps and constant comparison

Dating apps make alternatives constantly available. That availability can be tempting, but it also becomes a distraction when a relationship feels strained. Instead of addressing what isn’t working, it’s easier to compare, look ahead, or escape.

Monogamy then gets questioned, not because someone genuinely wants a different structure, but because it feels easier than having a difficult conversation about what’s really going on.

The pattern: using openness to “fix” a relationship

What I often see is monogamous relationships being opened when the relationship is already under pressure. Not because both partners feel an open relationship suits them, but because there is distance, dissatisfaction, or because they are growing apart anyway.

Often the initiative comes from one partner. Sometimes after cheating. Sometimes because partners have slowly grown apart and avoid addressing it, because staying in an “okay” relationship feels safer than being single again.

In these cases, an open relationship is seen as a quick fix. A way to avoid facing something uncomfortable.

That rarely works. Open relationships bring their own challenges: jealousy, loss of trust, emotional distance, and confusion about where the relationship is heading. In fact, with all these emotions, an open relationship can be even more challenging than a monogamous relationship.

This doesn’t mean open relationships can’t work. What it means is that they are rarely a solution to problems that already existed.

“We’re men. It’s in our genes.”

A common argument goes:
“We’re two men. Men are just wired to have lots of sex, so we're likely to cheat. An open relationship is more realistic.”

It sounds logical. But it’s also an excuse.

Wanting variety is human. That applies to men and women. But it doesn’t remove the need for responsibility, honesty, or commitment.

Every relationship, open or monogamous, relies on the same foundation: open communication, emotional safety, repair after conflict, and mutual respect.

Without that foundation, an open relationship is just as fragile as a monogamous one.

Honesty, boundaries, and self-trust: the real issues at play

When conversations about monogamy or openness get stuck, they are rarely about sex. They are about self-trust, fear of speaking honestly, and fear of losing a partner and ending up alone.

Helpful questions to ask yourself when navigating what form to give to your relationship include:

• Can I be honest about what I feel, even if it creates tension?

• Can I set boundaries without being afraid of losing my partner?

• Do I trust myself enough to know what I can handle and what I can’t?

For many gay men, the real struggle isn’t the relationship structure. It’s self-worth, mutual respect, and feeling truly seen within the relationship.

What kind of relationship fits you?

Choosing between monogamy and openness isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about what is right for you.

What is important for an open relationship to work well?

An open relationship can offer a sense of freedom, but it also requires more awareness, responsibility, and emotional maturity. It can work only when:

• both partners genuinely want it

• boundaries are clear and openly discussed

• jealousy is acknowledged and addressed

• trust and respect are strong

• the relationship itself does not suffer

• openness isn’t used to avoid deeper issues

Without these conditions, openness rarely deepens connection.

What is important in a monogamous relationship?

Monogamy often works best when:

• trust is strong

• sex with others is not a high priority

• partners want emotional depth

• boundaries remain discussable

• both partners consciously choose exclusivity

Not every relationship must be strictly open or monogamous. The structure can depend on the person you’re with.

What matters is discussing what you want, understanding what your partner wants, and finding a form you can both genuinely commit to.

What are signs that an open relationship isn't working?

Clear warning signs include:

• jealousy being dismissed

• unclear or constantly shifting boundaries

• one partner consistently adapting

• communication decreasing rather than improving

In these cases, openness often amplifies existing insecurity and distance.

What are causes for stress in a monogamous relationship?

Monogamy can become challenging when:

• sexual needs diverge significantly

• one partner emotionally withdraws

• intimacy fades due to stress, ageing, or health

The first question isn’t“Should we open the relationship?”
It’s“What are we actually missing here?”

Sometimes it’s sexual variety. Sometimes emotional closeness. Sometimes attention, affirmation, or playfulness. That requires exploration before action.

How to decide whether to stay monogamous or open your relationship up?

The question whether to open your relationship or stay monogamous, isn't just an about your relationship. It is about each individual partner and what is important to them.

To get clarity about what is right for you, you can ask yourself these questions before making a decision:

• What do I hope this relationship structure will solve for me?

• Am I honest about my desires, even when they’re uncomfortable?

• Am I choosing this from freedom or from fear?

Honest answers may be confronting, but they bring clarity.

A shift within the gay community

More and more gay men are openly questioning why open relationships seem to be the default. As if wanting monogamy requires justification or even shame.

It’s a healthy shift that more men feel able to say: "I want monogamy. I want exclusivity. And that’s okay.”

In closing

I don’t promote monogamy.
I don’t promote open relationships.

Why I do promote is conscious choices, decisions, and I support men with that. Relationships should be build on honesty, communication, and self-awareness, rather than fear, shame, or avoidance.

In the end, the real question isn’t:
“Is monogamy, or opening up our relationship, what we need in our relationship?”

The real question is:
“Am I honest enough with myself and my partner to fight for a relationship that aligns with my needs, norms and values?”